From one of local radio stations..."The Rockin Apple"
This weekend Country USA invades Oshkosh. One caller told us he'd rather die than go to Country USA. Our question is, "What's the difference?" Let's compare and contrast death and Country Music USA...
Dead:
You’re blue because of lack of oxygen in blood stream.
Country USA:
You’re blue because your best friend ran off with your wife and your dog and you’re really going to miss that old ugly bitch.
Dead:
Chances are you’re going to find yourself in hell.
Country USA:
Chances are you’re going to eventually find yourself in Branson. (Really, no difference!)
Dead:
No evidence of brain activity.
Country USA:
Sort of like the crown surrounding the beer tent about 10pm.
Dead:
Cultural taboos prevent normal people from wanting to have sex with you.
Country USA:
So does the goofy hat.
Dead:
You’re ice cold because your body has ceased producing it’s own heat.
Country USA:
You’re ice cold because in-door plumbin’ is for sissies.
Dead:
Natural decomposition results in your body becoming infested with worms and maggots.
Country USA:
So does having sex with a country music groupie.
Dead:
As life slips away you begin to feel peaceful floating sensation.
Country USA:
Same feeling you’d have if you skipped this crap and went to a real country show and inhaled in the vicinity of Willie Nelson.
Dead:
You’re stiff due to the onset of rigor mortis.
Country USA:
You’re stiff due to your 13 year old cousin wearing a sexy tube top.
And yes, there's more.....
This weekend's Country USA marks the first time the event is being held at their new 60-acre festival area. So, this seems like a good time to look at...
THE TOP TEN ADVANTAGES OF THE NEW COUNTRY USA SITE
10. Located near a dental office in case an attendee has a problem with his or her tooth.
9. Less glass and sharp objects on ground so pregnant attendees can still go barefoot.
8. Plenty of trees so there’s no need for those scary toilets with the flushing water.
7. Larger campground means you no longer have leave your hog’s behind for the weekend.
6. Distance from town means many fans can attend and still not violate some of their restraining orders.
5. Field still has many dried cow pies to use as coasters and seat cushions.
4. Loads of squirrels in area means less money needed for food and more money to spend on Schlitz and Boone’s Farm.
3. Additional parking means you no longer need to leave your home at home.
2. In the event of grandma being killed in a freak stage diving accident, it’s only a mile and a half to a good taxidermists.
1. Located near legal offices so attendees can easily seek advice on how they can get divorced and still remain brother and sister.
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