DARWIN AWARDS for STUPIDITY 2007

YOU CANT FIX STUPID

Eighth Place

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of

water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to

retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49 year old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he

ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

Buxton , NC : A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug

into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel

Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had

been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it

collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on

the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way

to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge , VA , but could not reach him. It

took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him

while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a

hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc , A , as he f ell face-first

through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was

caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his

hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville , Del , as he won

a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four

bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place

The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC

appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a

previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms; A gun shop

specializing in handguns.

2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.

3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked

police patrol car parked at the front door.

4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having

coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber

announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with

a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several

customers who also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced

dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47

expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23

gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons.

No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.

HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife

Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter- stick of dynamite blew up in

their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the

dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen,

but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP: TACOMA , WA .

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them

said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows

Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and

at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM.

Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one

had brought a bungee rope.

Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a

coil of lineman's cable lay near by. One end of the cable was secured

around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall

lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the

ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and was

rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, is that

God was watching out for me on that night.

There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never

located.

AND THE WINNER...

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his

constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a

bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged- up pachyderm

finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the

ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on

him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked

Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay

unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of

him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no

one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour

before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It

seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... "shit

happens."

These people prove STUPIDITY

is a terminal condition. As always, competition this year has been

keen.