In Flight Announcements

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight

"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are

some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where

you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a

flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out

furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,

the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude

and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and

to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your

belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's

something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways

out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed

giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan Airport, a lone

voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis , a

flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when

opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,

sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the

metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every

other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably

shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend

from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your

face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask

before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one

small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,

but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and

remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest

Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of

an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with

our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.

Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight

attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is

pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.

Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt

Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was

quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you

it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't

the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a

particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain

was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the

Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.

Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the

Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to

the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had

hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy

which required the first officer to stand at the door while the

passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our

airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time

looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a

smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old

lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a

question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little

old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on

with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.

Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt

against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning

bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way

through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to

thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the

insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal

tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you

wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and

if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a

comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the

intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome

to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather

ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful

flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and

after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I

was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of

hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger

in Coach yelled, "That' s nothing. You should see the back of mine."